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"He chooses any idea to fight for his identity": a psychologist on what to do if your child is a quadrober
If you found out your kids were quadruplets, would you send them away alone or watch them move around? Would you assign him a detective? That's basically impossible. The benefit of trying to control him is that he'll learn to hide better and still do whatever he wants. Learning to lie is a really good thing. Should we develop lying skills in our children? Absolutely not!
And he will try to group up and play by some general rules that are given to him. In other words, you choose how you want to be accepted. For him, this is a very important moment, a stage of becoming a person. On the other hand, he still faces the task of not losing his uniqueness. Therefore, he will try to be somehow special. Therefore, this whole group for teenagers is an absolutely normal story for them, the main thing is not the essence, but the unity. And it does not matter at all what the idea is. A teenager is someone who is close to breaking up. Therefore, he will fight for his breakup and try to convince the teenager of something. It is like spitting in the wind. This will turn out to be unpleasant for you.
Quadrobics is an unofficial sport. The name comes from the Latin word quattuor, meaning "four", and the English word aerobics, meaning "aerobics". Quadrobics is based on physical exercises that resemble animal movements. Its founder is considered to be the Japanese athlete Kenichi Ito. In 2008, he set a new world record in quadruped running, running 100 meters in 18.58 seconds, ahead of the world.
It is important not to confuse quadrovers with terrians and furries. This is a different approach. The first are people who actually associate themselves with different types of animals. The second group are those who do not do sports, but try to express themselves with images of animals. Quadrobics is, in fact, a sport and an imitation of moving animals.
Since a teenager strives, first of all, to separate from his parents, he tries to contradict them in every possible way, and also has the task of trampling on parental authority. This is an unconscious task, you begin to resist, conflict, try your hand. He does not yet have any external ways to feel significant and important, and he uses the belittlement of the authority of his parents to feel more influential. And since he has to do this, he picks up any idea of struggling for his identity and autonomy.
And the more parents try to level it out, the stronger this protest will be. The more parents try not to accept it, the more the child will rejoice at the opportunity to protest and show the parents that he is no longer in their power, but that he is already a separate person and will do what he wants. And you can’t do anything about it. That is, the fact that the child protests indicates that he is growing up correctly and is taking important steps for him.
The most difficult and dangerous thing is when a child does not have the protest and rebellion of puberty. We do not want a child who is obedient in any way. But we want a child who is ready to express his thoughts clearly, who has the strength to protest, who has enough anger and confidence to go out into the street and make everyone around him turn their finger to their temple. In fact, this is exactly what he wants. "I exist. I exist. "I am not like you, I am special." This indicates that he has very important qualities in life, self-confidence and enough healthy aggression to not succumb to the influence of society, even when others seem to think that there is something wrong with him.
If you have said that your child will grow four times as big, there is absolutely no need to talk about it or even focus on it, because it will only get worse. You need to try not to dwell on it, and it will pass with time. The worst thing a parent can do is sit your child down and give them a long lecture. You have to say it. "Okay, you will be whoever you want to be. Please choose the route you want. I can't do anything about it. "If you are a happy person, I will be happy for you." There is no need to make a tragedy out of it or dwell on it.
And perhaps there is another point that I also think is important. Children who cross boundaries and protest are a symptom of chaos in the family system. Usually, this indicates the presence of multiple violations in the family. Often, personal boundaries in the family are erased. A child who is given too much control and too much care, a child who cannot become an adult, a child who wants too much, a child who is put in a bag, checked on social networks and taken to school, cannot go to school. school. On the street, they constantly call and suffer for a long time. Overprotection and the erasure of personal boundaries usually cause strong protest behavior in children. Under conditions of too strict control, a child cannot develop and grow, and this is where all sorts of violations begin. Some people protest to such an extent that they begin to feel sick. Someone begins to run away from home. And for someone it will be a quad-rover.
To be honest, if there is nothing wrong with it and it does not take pathological forms. I do not understand how any harm can be caused here. It does not violate anyone's freedoms and does not harm either himself or others. That is, it does not violate the three generally existing prohibitions: you cannot harm others, yourself and material values. If it takes a pathological form and the child believes so much that he is a dog or a cat that he starts running up to people and biting them, let's talk about distortion. But then again, a child who violates other people's personal boundaries is also a child who violates personal boundaries within the family, so the family needs to be examined. Among all these extremes and distortions, let's look at where the parents "messed up".
And one more issue – violation of hierarchy, which can also lead to similar symptoms. Any abnormal behavior is a result of violation of hierarchy. When children rule the whole family, they set the rules, not the parents. At some point, such children begin to behave destructively, refuse to go to school or live at home. However, this will be a set of symptoms indicating that the parents are behaving incorrectly within the family. In general, everything depends on the parents. Children are just a litmus test that tells the family that something is wrong. If the laws of hierarchy are violated and communication between parents stops, the child either tries to unite the parents so that they pay attention to him, or tries to reduce the tension in the family due to the fact that mom and dad do not communicate. Or he tries to give me a signal to pay attention to this or leave me alone.